The Sense of Being Gone

I had a horrible sinus infection in December. So bad that it took away my sense of taste and smell. Yeah, that bad. It hasn't come back fully yet. I can taste sour, sweet, salty and spicy so those are all good signs but smells? I miss smells, even the smell of the subway. That's how you know it's bad. I have been seeing an ENT for my sinusitis and polyps since the summer and had endoscopic nasal surgery in January. The procedure helped me breathe better, but my senses...

In our last few appointments, we discussed smell therapy. I have been doing the homework, smelling various essential oils and I've been doing well with those but there is something about smelling oil and translating that to actual food that isn't clicking. It's super frustrating. One of the joys I had was enjoying a cup of coffee in the morning while looking out the window. Now, coffee smells off and it hasn't gotten better. Smell therapy is supposed to retrain your brain to recognize smell by associating the smell with a memory. It's a very slow process. Last month, the doctor and I came to the conclusion that maybe my taste and smell were related to my stroke. Maybe my brain has scarring from the stroke and that's what is not helping smell connect. I want to get an MRI or PET Scan to determine if I have scarring. I was very determined to do this up until today. Today, I got scared. What if I do have scarring? Can I deal with that news? Am I ready to deal with that news? 

I share this to say that even though it has been many years since my stroke, it doesn't mean that it still doesn't affect me. It's a part of me forever. Most days, I'm ok with that, but today is hard. I long to taste and smell again. Moving about my apartment and not being able to smell home, feels like being in limbo. It feels like being gone, not really fully existing. My heart goes out to those who lost these senses due to Covid, sinus infection, bacterial infection, etc. I stand with you. I know you have hard days too. Sending you healing thoughts and a socially distanced virtual hug. Here's hoping we don't feel like moving in limbo for too long.

Memories That Stick

The rise in hospitalizations due to the variant of Covid has had me thinking a lot about my time in the hospital. Are the doctors and nurses as overwhelmed this time as when the pandemic first started? What are the age ranges they are seeing? Is the ICU where I was constantly packed? I think about the tiles on the ICU floor, the bed and the view. I think about the hallway, the nurses station and most of all, I think about the woman I shared a hospital room with when I was moved from the ICU to general. We were separated by a curtain and I never saw her but her presence was very strong. I knew she had MS. I knew she was young, probably around my age, and I knew she was just as scared to be there as I was.

We had an unspoken bond but thinking back, I wish I could have supported her. I wish I could have spoken to her and I still feel guilt about that. How strange that this feeling lingers with me almost 11 years later. I hope she's ok. I hope she's healthy.

Wow...It's Been Almost A Decade

 I don't post much at all but that doesn't mean that I'm not thinking of all of you. There's not a day that goes by when I don't think about my stroke, about how it affects me even today, about the closure I still want for what happened almost 10 years ago next month. I'm still here and I'm so happy I am.

Today, the first in a group of women I have the privilege of knowing celebrated her 10 year strokiversary. I am so happy that she hit this milestone. It has been a joy to see her living her life from posts. She has a beautiful family and is living life to the fullest. She and the other women I know serve as such wonderful reminders that life is amazing. Life goes on. We molt, shedding our old skin, for a new normal. 

I will just say that it has made my 2020 to be able to see my strokies flourish despite this trying year.  

Be well.

I'm Just Tired

I was a bit stressed out these past few weeks. No reason in particular, just life and all that comes with it. Because of this, I've started to notice little red flags, I was misspelling things, I was using the wrong words...and I brushed those things off as just having a bad day but I can't and shouldn't do that.
This is a lesson, not only for me but a reminder for all of us. If you don't feel well, pause, look at your symptoms, is it just stress? Could it be something bigger?
I've been keeping track of my health since then and thankfully, it seems my bad stretch has ended. My boyfriend told me I should go to the doctor and I know I should have, just to be on the safe side, but...I was scared. I don't usually get scared but yeah, I was scared and I let that get the best of me and I didn't go. Again, thankfully I am ok but I shouldn't be fearful, not when I know what fear and denial can do. Even typing that out, "I was scared", is not something I am proud of admitting. We shouldn't let fear and denial keep us from preventing something from happening to us. Health is precious and as I get older, I'm holding that closer and closer to my heart.
So today, I wish you awareness, I wish you energy to get you more in tune with your body. I wish you good health.
How are you doing? 

Luke

Luke Perry was one of my first crushes. My friend Ty and I would always talk about the most recent episode of 90210 when we would line up in the yard before school started. Conversations always turned to Dylan and Brandon. Hard to believe that he has passed at such a young age. Even harder to believe that it was from "a massive stroke". His death has once again started the conversation of how could this have been prevented and how a growing number of younger people are having strokes.  While I am grateful for an increased sense of awareness for the community, I am still left with the questions that will probably plague Luke's family for a long time. Could this have been prevented? Did they administer medicine in time? What else could have been done?
Life is fragile. To me, it seems to be more fragile as I get older. I'm starting to lose friends, some younger than me. They're leaving this world from heart attacks and blood clots...
How could this have been prevented?
A question I know we all ask ourselves after we get out the wails and the whys.
How could this have been prevented?
I should have known. We should have seen the signs.
But we can't know all the signs for everything...
And maybe, that's the hardest pill to swallow.

Woman's Best Friend

What a difficult December.
My 13 year old dog, Fiona, got really sick. Like really, oh no this might be it, sick.

I got Fiona 12 years ago from the ASPCA. I went in looking for my first dog, confident that I was ready to take on the responsibility of a pet. Little did I know that this pet would also be my best friend. The person who interviewed me said they had a small dog available but weren't showing her to a lot of people. She had been through a lot and needed to be paired with someone special. She walked me over to a room and told me to look through the window. There I saw a little skin and bones red min pin chihuahua mix pup curled up on a chair with a bright pink cast on her left hind leg. As soon as Fiona caught a glimpse of us, she started barking so we scurried away. I was told another person was interested in her and that my application would be looked at and I would hear from her. A week later, I got the call that she was mine. I went back to the ASPCA and where the woman placed Fiona in my arms and said to have a happy life. What, no advice? No orientation? Nope, just here. Take your malnourished, shaking dog with the broken leg and go be happy.
When I left there, I wanted to cry. Here was this broken dog who was terrified and me who was terrified, taking a cab to her forever home. I tried to get her to kiss me. Nothing. I tried to get her to look at me. Nothing but as soon as she stepped foot inside, this dog who wouldn't even make eye contact with me, did zoomies around the apartment and couldn't stop smiling. She finally looked at me and gave me a kiss. I saved her and she knew that and she thanked me.
When I had my stroke, Fiona would not leave my side. She comforted me, cuddled with me, slept with me. If someone came over to me when I was resting, she growled. She was my ever protective nurse. And now, my ever protective nurse, my friend, my first pet, was sick. The vet thinks she too, had a stroke. It's so hard to watch your pet in pain. They can't tell you how they are feeling or what hurts. You don't know exactly how to make them feel better other than to just hold them, pet them, call them good dogs and love them up as best you can. That's not good enough for me, not for my Fiona. It had been so hard to watch her in pain and not know what to do. It took 2 weeks for her medicine to help her enough so that she can walk again and eat on her own. I am impatient. I know. My boyfriend had to remind me that I had to give her time. He had to remind me how I was impatient to heal but I couldn't be that way for her. I could have the hope he did; that recovery could be slow but steady so today I am hopeful that she is going to continue to improve. She's an old girl I know, and one day, she will pass, but that day won't be today.
She's my nurse and my friend and I won't give up on her just like she didn't give up on me.

Time Oh Time!

We can't stop time. The most we can do is try and savor it as much as we can. When I'm at work, I catch myself sometimes saying "This day is going by so slowly!" and I stop myself. It's ok if it feels as though time is slowing down, that time is standing still. For someone in the world who isn't in the best health, time slowing down may be what they wished for. I'm really trying to implement this in my day to day.
It's hard to believe that 2017 is almost over. How did November sneak up on me so quickly? I feel like I ask myself this every year. Where did the time go? Nowhere but perhaps it's time to look at time differently. While we always celebrate the new year goodbye to the old and hello to the new, it's also always the right time to celebrate the now. As the winds turn stronger and the temperatures drop, my right side is ever there to remind me that winter is creeping in so I am savoring today and these 70 degree unseasonable temperatures and hoping that I can hold each moment a little tighter because it will all be over in the blink of an eye.