That First Taste Of Cold Air...

My Dad is in town (Yay). He picked me up at my house this morning and we walked to my job which is on the way to the VA where he has a doctor's appointment all day. Today is the first day where I felt the cold air literally down to my bones. Ok, I'm being dramatic. It's only 35+ degrees BUT it still feels like -0 to me and I'm pretty sure he felt it too. At numerous points in our walk, he stretched his hand. I did the same. We didn't talk about it. We just went through the motions and continued on our way both conscious that each other knew exactly what was being felt.

Holding a warm cup of coffee in my dominant hand helped, a nice reminder that there can be comfort in small things. Small victories on this chilly Monday morning. What are your Monday victories?
Be well.

Send Some Comfort To Tiny Strokies

Ava and her Mom Shana are starting a WONDERFUL new tradition. Ava suffered a bilateral stroke in 2013 when she was less than a year old. She is continuing to make progress every day and is growing into a beautiful little lady! Mom Shana is starting a strokiversary tradition to help other tiny strokies. If you know someone who has suffered a stroke, you know how important it is to feel soft comforting fabric against the skin. Please read all about it below and pass along to others who may want to help! Let's help turn negatives into positives!
#teamava

Ava's Quilt

From Shana:

We've decided that we want to start a new tradition on Ava's strokeaversary every year and it all started with this quilt.
While we were in the ICU with Ava our nurses brought this quilt in to Ava. It was a quilt donated to the PICU by volunteers. It meant so much to us! Maybe handmade items don't mean as much to everyone but they do us. This sweet little quilt changed Ava's hospital room from a cold, scary, impersonal space to a cozy, inviting space.
That being said, we want to donate as many quilts as possible every year on January 14th, Ava's strokeaversary.
I would love it if all of you would join us! You have 3 months to whip up a little quilt of love to donate.
If you would like to join us, message me on Swim Ava Swim! and I'll give you our address to mail your quilt to.
Don't quilt? You can also help by donating to buy fabric or just mail me fabric!
I can't wait till Ava can deliver these quilts to the hospital so they may brighten someone's dark day.

You can learn all about Ava on her Facebook page Swim Ava Swim!

A Beautiful Gift...

Yesterday, I went to pick out some new frames downtown. I was trying on pair after pair squinting at the mirror since I am blind as a bat without my own when an old man walked in the store. He asked if someone could help him with his prescription. As soon as he spoke, my ears perked up. He sounded EXACTLY like my grandfather who passed away in 2001. I didn't turn around. I just listened to his voice and looked in the mirror with a pair of frames I had tried on carefully trying to make out his silhouette as best I could. He even looked like my grandfather. I kept hoping that he would keep talking and then just as quickly as he appeared, he left the store leaving a big smile on my face and a warm feeling in my chest. After 13 years, I was able to see and hear my grandfather again!

I know this isn't a stroke post but it's something that truly made my heart smile. Just a reminder that sometimes the greatest gifts can come from the unknown...

Roller Coasters No More

On Saturday I went to Great Adventure for Fright Fest. As you know, I LOVE Halloween. Ghouls and gremlins and zombies and all that. I pretty much felt like a 10 year old child when I arrived with my eyes wide and grinning from ear to ear with my heart jumping out of my chest at the thought of funnel cake and ice cream and fries and and and!!!

This was my first trip to GA since the stroke so I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. I used to be a roller coaster girl. I would be the first one in line for anything with a drop or a loop ready to scream my head off and smile for the camera right before the ride came to an end. This was my thing aaaand now it wasn't my thing. Whenever you walk up to these rides, there is a sign that tells you whether or not you should even attempt to get on, a list of warnings and whatnots. Aneurysms and high blood pressure was on there right next to pregnancy. I saw this in front of numerous rides and didn't think much of it until I thought it didn't apply to me. A few of us were on line to get on Nitro. I really thought I could do it. I even walked up to the front of the line and then, when I was in my seat, all strapped in, I panicked and ran off. I got the same terrified feeling from the ride as just sitting in the seat. People have had strokes from roller coasters and I knew this, but I still wanted to go on the coaster, I wanted to be the old me. As I watched everyone turn and twist and scream on what was supposed to be my ride, I felt sorry for myself but not for too long. Just because I can't ride Nitro, doesn't mean I'm any less of myself than I was before. It's just something I used to do. I've evolved :) Just go with me here, you guys!

We continued walking around the park and came to Skull Mountain. For those of you who don't know, Skull Mountain is the roller coaster for people who don't like roller coasters. It has a short little drop and NO loops, basically a warm up to the other coasters. This I could certainly do! Not only had I been on it 100 times but I knew the route and there were 9 year olds going on this ride. Never had you seen anyone with a bigger smile their face than me getting strapped into that ride. The wind blew in my face, I laughed when we dropped, I put my hands up, I got my fix.

October, I Hate To Love You

October...
I hate to love you,
Leaves that change,
Beautiful colors,
Stimulating to the senses
I thought I lost,
You are a reminder,
Of what was taken,
Of what I took back!
October...
I love to hate you,
I remember,
What you want me
To forget,
I remember,
I can remember,
I won't forget.

HAPPY STROKIVERSARY MONTH TO ME!

Granny

My Granny passed away last Sunday. She was a wonderful woman. I used to spend summers in the Caribbean with my Grandparents and cousins every year from when I crawled straight through to when I graduated from High School. Some of the best memories of my life are of those summers with my family. Those experiences shaped me into the person I am today. Without them, I don't know where I would be.

Something I found myself doing early on in life was replaying memories of my childhood in my head at least once a week. In that way, I thought they would always be fresh in my mind and my hippocampus would keep them there longer than it could and not kick those memories out to make room for new ones. It would not only make me laugh but keep me warm on those days when I felt blue. I would think of those wonderfully good times swimming in the waters of Grenada with my cousins and actually re-taste the meals cooked for us in my mouth. Even smells would come back. I could see myself mapping out my Granny and Papa's house in my mind knowing everything from the colors of the tiles to the exact location of bushes and coconut trees on the property.

After my stroke, one of the things I was afraid of was losing those memories I worked so hard to preserve. I found myself panicking in the hospital trying to replay every single memory from those summers to make sure everything remained intact. While I'm sure I have lost some memories, I am so grateful for having one or two of my family, of my Granny back when life seemed simpler. I remember her voice and the way she used to sing to us. I can still hear my Papa's voice and smell the smoke from his pipe. It's on days like today, when I miss her so much, I can smile at knowing I can remember that.

I may not remember certain things but in the end, I guess sometimes it doesn't matter as long as I have these little moments where I can be thankful for having the memories I do to comfort me when it matters most. My flight was canceled and I couldn't make her funeral due to inclement weather thanks to the Nor'easter and Sandy so my memories have to do. They become my pictures, my windows to the soul especially tonight when I am missing Granny so much.

Thank you brain. Keep up the good work.

R.I.P. Granny

I'm Still Here

Sometimes, I get very discouraged with the path I am on. The world of Theater and Entertainment is a tough world but even tougher I think on someone who is of color and/or a woman. Today was one of those days where I was feeling a bit low on myself. In searching for a suitable piece of large drawing paper for a score I have to bring to class tomorrow, I unzipped my art portfolio which was covered in dust from me not opening it in many many years. As I was filtering through everything, a note fell to the floor. I picked it up, opened it, and cried for about 10 minutes.

It was a note from my Grandmother, from 2003 given to me right after college Graduation. She says she's proud of me and goes into how much she loves me. It was just what I needed to hear. Like an angel from beyond a grave, she sent me this message to remind me to keep going.

Thank you stroke for causing me to forget receiving this 9 years ago and allowing me to see it anew. What a wonderful surprise.

What a beautiful small victory.

The first full length play I wrote, Docket 32357, was completed 6 months after my stroke. I was inspired to finish it to prove to myself I could still write. It was a long but beautiful journey essential to my recovery. Later that year, the first scene of said play was made into a short film. The feeling I got watching something I wrote being filmed and acted out is something I can't yet put into words. Having one of my dreams actually come true was a bit surreal. I will just say I was all smiles. Docket 32357 is currently getting into festivals around the U.S. and I couldn't be more thrilled!

Please check out the teaser Docket 32357 You never know, there might be a showing in your state soon!

Not Working

Not working....is hard for me.

Again I had stated that not doing anything period is like hell but this, this was something I was not prepared for.  I always said wow it would be great to have like a month off because I work so hard and I'm so overwhelmed and I so got my wish but under different circumstances obviously.  It's been tough. I have days where I don't feel like I am a part of society.  I sit here, so tired that I can only watch tv and throw a ball to my dog.  I can't even speak.  It's exhausting to speak.  That's why this blog is so great.  It allows me to have another outlet to get everything out when I can't talk or when I just don't want to talk. Sometimes, you need to wallow, and that's fine as long as you don't pity yourself for too long.  Mourn your losses and keep it moving.  Mourn for like 5 minutes and nothing more a day.  Make yourself get out of that funk.  We've only been given things we can handle, right?

A couple of days into my medical leave, I decided that I really needed to start writing again....but I was scared.  The stroke had struck the part of my brain where the creative juices flow.  If I couldn't write...well, I can't really say what I would do but I know that 5 minutes a day of mourning wouldn't be enough...

I had several unfinished plays and a big unfinished screenplay. My writing partner wasn't pushing me to finish of course but he knows me and my big hard head and that I needed at least this one thing to feel like a functioning member of society.  When I was in the hospital, I even spoke to him on the phone about this being great material for the Alzheimer's script we're working on.  The big 'ol creative brain is always working!

So we talked, and we put up index cards of scenes, and we wrote...and I finished my first draft of my first screenplay.  Actually now it's on its 3rd draft!  The feeling of finishing something felt amazing!  I may not be able to do pivot tables or fancy excel spreadsheets right now but I wrote 106 pages of comedic fantasticness (if I do say so myself).

The picture above reminds me that it is possible.  I can get back to my old self.  It will just take time like everything else.  For those of you suffering from the effects of a stroke, remember, if you can do just one small thing that you used to do before the stroke, you're blessed.  Remember, small victories.