The Sense of Being Gone

I had a horrible sinus infection in December. So bad that it took away my sense of taste and smell. Yeah, that bad. It hasn't come back fully yet. I can taste sour, sweet, salty and spicy so those are all good signs but smells? I miss smells, even the smell of the subway. That's how you know it's bad. I have been seeing an ENT for my sinusitis and polyps since the summer and had endoscopic nasal surgery in January. The procedure helped me breathe better, but my senses...

In our last few appointments, we discussed smell therapy. I have been doing the homework, smelling various essential oils and I've been doing well with those but there is something about smelling oil and translating that to actual food that isn't clicking. It's super frustrating. One of the joys I had was enjoying a cup of coffee in the morning while looking out the window. Now, coffee smells off and it hasn't gotten better. Smell therapy is supposed to retrain your brain to recognize smell by associating the smell with a memory. It's a very slow process. Last month, the doctor and I came to the conclusion that maybe my taste and smell were related to my stroke. Maybe my brain has scarring from the stroke and that's what is not helping smell connect. I want to get an MRI or PET Scan to determine if I have scarring. I was very determined to do this up until today. Today, I got scared. What if I do have scarring? Can I deal with that news? Am I ready to deal with that news? 

I share this to say that even though it has been many years since my stroke, it doesn't mean that it still doesn't affect me. It's a part of me forever. Most days, I'm ok with that, but today is hard. I long to taste and smell again. Moving about my apartment and not being able to smell home, feels like being in limbo. It feels like being gone, not really fully existing. My heart goes out to those who lost these senses due to Covid, sinus infection, bacterial infection, etc. I stand with you. I know you have hard days too. Sending you healing thoughts and a socially distanced virtual hug. Here's hoping we don't feel like moving in limbo for too long.