Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Woman's Best Friend

What a difficult December.
My 13 year old dog, Fiona, got really sick. Like really, oh no this might be it, sick.
I got Fiona 12 years ago from the ASPCA. I went in looking for my first dog, confident that I was ready to take on the responsibility of a pet. Little did I know that this pet would also be my best friend. The person who interviewed me said they had a small dog available but weren't showing her to a lot of people. She had been through a lot and needed to be paired with someone special. She walked me over to a room and told me to look through the window. There I saw a little skin and bones red min pin chihuahua mix pup curled up on a chair with a bright pink cast on her left hind leg. As soon as Fiona caught a glimpse of us, she started barking so we scurried away. I was told another person was interested in her and that my application would be looked at and I would hear from her. A week later, I got the call that she was mine. I went back to the ASPCA and where the woman placed Fiona in my arms and said to have a happy life. What, no advice? No orientation? Nope, just here. Take your malnourished, shaking dog with the broken leg and go be happy.
When I left there, I wanted to cry. Here was this broken dog who was terrified and me who was terrified, taking a cab to her forever home. I tried to get her to kiss me. Nothing. I tried to get her to look at me. Nothing but as soon as she stepped foot inside, this dog who wouldn't even make eye contact with me, did zoomies around the apartment and couldn't stop smiling. She finally looked at me and gave me a kiss. I saved her and she knew that and she thanked me.
When I had my stroke, Fiona would not leave my side. She comforted me, cuddled with me, slept with me. If someone came over to me when I was resting, she growled. She was my ever protective nurse. And now, my ever protective nurse, my friend, my first pet, was sick. The vet thinks she too, had a stroke. It's so hard to watch your pet in pain. They can't tell you how they are feeling or what hurts. You don't know exactly how to make them feel better other than to just hold them, pet them, call them good dogs and love them up as best you can. That's not good enough for me, not for my Fiona. It had been so hard to watch her in pain and not know what to do. It took 2 weeks for her medicine to help her enough so that she can walk again and eat on her own. I am impatient. I know. My boyfriend had to remind me that I had to give her time. He had to remind me how I was impatient to heal but I couldn't be that way for her. I could have the hope he did; that recovery could be slow but steady so today I am hopeful that she is going to continue to improve. She's an old girl I know, and one day, she will pass, but that day won't be today.
She's my nurse and my friend and I won't give up on her just like she didn't give up on me.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Time Oh Time!

We can't stop time. The most we can do is try and savor it as much as we can. When I'm at work, I catch myself sometimes saying "This day is going by so slowly!" and I stop myself. It's ok if it feels as though time is slowing down, that time is standing still. For someone in the world who isn't in the best health, time slowing down may be what they wished for. I'm really trying to implement this in my day to day.
It's hard to believe that 2017 is almost over. How did November sneak up on me so quickly? I feel like I ask myself this every year. Where did the time go? Nowhere but perhaps it's time to look at time differently. While we always celebrate the new year goodbye to the old and hello to the new, it's also always the right time to celebrate the now. As the winds turn stronger and the temperatures drop, my right side is ever there to remind me that winter is creeping in so I am savoring today and these 70 degree unseasonable temperatures and hoping that I can hold each moment a little tighter because it will all be over in the blink of an eye.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Blessed and Grateful

Blessed and grateful and giving pause and thinking about everything and hoping I climb higher and higher and still ever so thankful for the stroke that landed me in the ICU 7 years ago.

Be well.

Monday, October 23, 2017

Whoa, I'm Human!

Expiration dates...
It's not very often that I think about my own mortality. I mean, it's easy to say yes I know I'm going to not be on this earth one day but to actually process that in a real way is not something I tend to let seep into my mind. Is that weird? Or is it weird that I'm talking about it?
There are moments when I will catch myself looking in the mirror at the differences in my face, the new lines, the creases, the new white hairs. To me, we miss these things if we don't stare at ourselves every once in awhile. It's like with my parents. I stare at them sometimes. Whether it's me not allowing myself to see that they are aging or just not paying attention, I've let myself stare and I see them and it's a little scary. Not that they look scary! Just the way that life is short and time passes by so quickly. I find it does so the older we get.
We don't get many second chances. You can't hit reset on certain things and maybe that is what I mean by expiration dates. I think I had a moment like that this weekend. I am not a teen anymore. I'm 4 away from 40 and THAT is something I haven't come to terms with yet! Where did the time go so fast?
Maybe I'm just letting my mind run. Maybe I'm thinking about this because I'm writing about a death TV channel. This isn't meant to be a depressing post, more like a reality check for me and maybe it will inspire you. Really think. We all have an expiration date. What have you been putting off or dreaming about that you have to confront?

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

To Take Or Not To Take

To take or not to take medicine when you have a cold; that is the question.
Since the stroke, I have tried to not take medicine for things unless I'm really really sick. I don't like putting anything in my body that can cause any side effect. I don't care if the side effect is nausea, dizziness, or sleepiness. I don't want it, don't want to risk it, don't want to have anything to do with it.
Of course, when you have a cold, that can go out the window, especially when it's a bad cold.

I remember a few months post stroke, I got the flu. Correction, I got the flu when I had tickets to see Prince and I ended up not being able to go because I had the damn flu. I MISSED PRINCE! I'm still not over that. Anywho, even though I was suffering something awful, I didn't want to take any medicine. I was so scared that something else would happen to me, something worse than the feeling I got knowing I had to miss Prince. Eventually I broke and took Tylenol and of course, nothing happened to me other than peaceful slumber and my fever breaking.

I have the same fear right now though. I have the fear that something really bad will happen. I mean, how can I not especially when there is a long list of what could  happen if you take this medication. I go through the pros and cons of what would happen if I took said pills and think about how bad I'm feeling. Is the risk worth it? Of course the answer for me is yes, Eljon. You've taking these pills before. You're fine...but wait, you took those other pills before too and you were fine. You were until you weren't. It's this banter that plays in my head every time I feel sick. The script is always the same and 6 times out of 10, I end up taking the pills. What do you think won today?

Be well.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Best Advice

When you're having a horrible day,
When you want to give up,
Remember (ha),
That you survived a life threatening trauma
And you're here to tell the tale,
Even if your words fail you,
Remember (ha),
You're here to tell the tale
In your own language,
In your own time,
You are the hero
In your book of life,
Remember (ha),
You've molted
And shed
Into a new self
That will be,
Believe it or not,
Your best self,

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Writing It Down

I saw a coworker feverishly writing into a notebook the other day. She said that she has been writing down every movie she's ever seen with her own little critiques carefully labeled for years. Just a quirk she has that she has been doing over the years to keep her writing skills sharp and memory keen.

I started my own document last year, not of movies, but of memories. I know the day is going to come, as it will for all of us, when our memories will fade; the time on the beach when I picked pink shells, or the party where I lost my favorite scarf because I was a dancing butterfly. I'm not ready to accept this and neither should you. In order to combat my fear, and perhaps revisit my happy memories, I've started a document detailing whatever memory comes to mind I don't want to forget. I am so meticulous with it down to colors of things, smells, you name it, it's written down. They've become happy little short stories I cherish when I have days that aren't so bright. I mean, hello, look at this blog! Talk about writing your story down!

It's comforting knowing that your story is written down. It warms me to read through my memories, including this blog. Call it validation of I was here or simply, just a hug from your mind to let you know, hey, look at what you've done! Either way, I'm happy I am doing it.