When People Think It's Your Fault

Last night, a friend and I were talking about strokes. I mentioned someone who reached out to me who had one a few years back and the immediate reaction was: What was she doing wrong? This made me really upset. Lately, I've found that the immediate reaction to a young person having a stroke is well what did this person do wrong? Why would that be the first thing that enters your mind? Is it because the person is young? Is it because you don't see the face of stroke as the face of a young person?

As a survivor, I know this can be upsetting but the key to this train of thought is to learn from it. How can we change the minds of those who were raised with this mentality? Education is one way. Remove the stereotype or at least try to make a dent.

Last year, I saw so many advertisements on stroke and young people having stroke. I feel like they came and went and were maybe just put up for a second to quell the needs of folks like myself who have voiced an opinion. I can only hope that educating young people in Health class in High Schools will pave the way. Stroke should be part of the conversation there, not only as a health risk for their parents, but as one for themselves. With strokes on the rise for women, especially those on the pill, education has to start in the classroom for girls on the cusp of becoming sexually active. Jumping the gun? No, just preparing the youth so they can have the resources and education they need if they are ever faced with that situation. Well, there's a good idea. Who can I talk to about instituting that?

Friends Finally Meet: Meet Carrington

Since I've started blogging almost 5 years ago (Wow!), I've had the opportunity to converse via email and sometimes phone, with brave strokies from around the world. It is a privilege and a blessing to be able to connect with these wonderful inspiring individuals and I can't tell you how much they have taught me. Despite going through 1 stroke or FOUR (yes, four), they've carried themselves with an incredible grace and good nature that folks who haven't gone through a medical condition don't seem to possess. I am continuously floored by their bravery and hopeful spirit especially on days when I am not feeling my best.
I had my first email exchange with the beautiful Carrington in 2013. She had 4 strokes on the left side of her brain. I have officially nicknamed her badass. Her doctors didn't recognize this at first and sent her home instead of admitting her. Her story echoes so many of ours. Being young strokies, doctors fail to recognize signs in us. It's one of the things I still get mad at and so does Carrington. We texted, we emailed but never met since Carrington doesn't live in NY but then last week, I got an email from her saying she was going to be in the city with her husband and wanted to meet.
You guys, I don't get thrilled by just anything but the prospect of getting to meet another young strokie, especially one who I had been in touch with for a year, made me grin from ear to ear. I can't explain it but there is an indescribable bond I felt when I met her. We both had tears in our eyes and couldn't stop talking. Apologies go out to her dear husband who sat by very patiently while we talked a mile a minute about blood thinners, shots, numbness and our love of liquor. From the picture on the right, you would think we both won the lottery haha. She is hugging me with her dominant arm and I am hugging her with my dominant arm. These small little jokes are just a few things that made us laugh in our short time together. Words can't express how much this meeting meant to me. I am so grateful I got to meet her in person. She's just as beautiful outside as she is inside.
Carrington is almost two years into her recovery and is still on the hunt for what caused her strokes. If anyone has a stellar neurologist they would recommend in the DC area, please let me know!
Be well!

Health Insurance Surprise!

Today feels like Christmas. I just found out that my health insurance carrier (that I pay $658.53 a month for!!) just added my old PCP to my plan. YES!! I can go back to her! You would think I just won the lottery. No more going to an old dirty office where I feel like I might catch something. No more getting to know another doctor. It's like dating isn't it? I can go to someone who is familiar with my history and will know how to treat me instead of staring at me awkwardly asking a barrage of questions that have nothing to do with why I came in.

YAY WHAT A GREAT DAY!

*UPDATE
Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield IS THE WORST HEALTH CARE PROVIDER Ever.
I have been trying to get in touch with a supervisor or get a straight answer from this insurance company for weeks now and I am getting conflicting reports. Yes your doctor is in network. No she's not in network. Which is it?
I'm on twitter now trying to get in touch with someone to help. This shouldn't be this hard.
I even sent a screenshot showing that they are saying my doc is in network and they're still telling me she's not. So why do you have this as an option?
Get it together, seriously.

R.I.P. Stuart Scott

"When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live."
-Stuart Scott

Words that should echo with us every day.

Happy New Year!

By now, your hangover is gone, you're starting to get reacquainted with your liver and trying to stay good with those resolutions you made a few days ago. For me, my resolutions remain the same and they will until they come to fruition. Every year, I set large goals. I might complete some of them, to complete all of them would be impossible BUT I do get closer to them becoming a reality.

This year, let's not put unnecessary stress on ourselves. We all know what stress leads to, right? Can we all make a pact to be good to ourselves? I am guilty of not doing this. I suck. Truly. I overbook myself. I try to SQUEEEEEZE every last drop out of every single day and write and work like it's my last day on this earth and I can't do that this year. Towards the end of 2014, I found myself slipping into old habits like I did pre-stroke and if there's one thing that experience taught me it's to listen to your body, so I'm listening. I'm taking me time.

I hope you have an amazing year filled with good health and the know to listen to your body when it speaks to you. We all have that gift of hearing our body speak to us but the voice can sometimes be low and get lost in our lives. Shhh, listen this year.

Holiday Memories And Keeping Those You Love Close

Around this time of year, families get together to embrace one another and celebrate the Holidays. For one or two days, everyone is in the same room, everyone is a unit. After every bit of food has been consumed and folks are getting ready to say goodbye, people have the same thought, "We should do this more often" or "I'll see you soon" and then those good intentions melt away and we drift to the hustle and bustle that is working and trying to stay afloat.

My Godfather passed away in April. I only have one memory of how he looked. We met when I was 21 years old, newly graduated, in a Starbucks in Lincoln Center. He was in from Vermont where he lived with his partner. He was wearing a three piece grey suit and greeted me with a smile I can still see if I close my eyes. My Godfather was an amazing man-a professor beloved by hundreds of friends (literally), a writer, and an accomplished concert violinist who spoke 6 languages! I heard much of this from hearing stories my Father told me of how he met him and how close the families were. When I was growing up, I always wondered why he didn't reach out to me, why I hadn't seen him or spoken to him on the phone but I didn't linger on that thought, I had stories to keep his memory alive. When I turned 21, my Godfather sent me a typed letter apologizing for his absence and suggested we meet in person for a long overdue hug. Since then, we sent each other cards, mine always handwritten, his always typed and signed with a fountain pen. I sent pictures and drawings over the years and provided him with news about my Dad and Grandmother. Whenever my Dad was in NY, he would call my Godfather's NY apartment in the hopes that Godfather might be visiting and they could catch up. Then, he started to email me. Oh technology!

One day before Superstorm Sandy,  my Grandmother passed. I sent him an email. Rather than respond via that, he sent his last typed letter signed with that same fountain pen. Because of the weather, I missed the funeral in Grenada. Godfather's letter was one of the only things that comforted my Father and I during that sad time. He wrote about her so beautifully citing memories that seemed so crisp they happened yesterday.  This summer, I sent him an email but he didn't respond. In my head, I imagined that he was on a European tour with his partner Jorge, or on an adventure somewhere he would tell me about in his response but, no email came. I started to think about the inevitable, his passing, but I couldn't bring myself to google his name right away. The thought of losing this man who I basically communicated with through letter and email most of my adult life scared and saddened me.

I found out Godfather passed away in April of this year. I was so angry with myself. Why didn't I send an email earlier? Why didn't I reach out? More importantly, why wasn't I told or able to go to the funeral to say goodbye? It seemed that even in death, I wasn't even given the chance to see him in person one more time. I gave my Dad the news and he was as broken up as I was. Luckily, my Godfather's partner's email address was on my his obituary. I emailed Jorge my condolences. Here was a man who I had only heard about on paper but seemed so alive through my Godfather's descriptions of him, I felt like I knew him. He immediately sent me a response apologizing for the oversight of the funeral. My Godfather passed from leukemia and it took him very fast.

After our exchange, I hoped to have some closure but I felt even more sad. Whenever someone passes, you always ask yourself the question "What if?" and go back to the "We should do this more often. I'll see you soon!" statement you made a few months prior. Days later, I received another email. Jorge had found a folder with all the letters and exchanges I had with my Godfather over the years, over 13 years of correspondence! He told me how proud he was of me and how he loved me.  While I would have rather heard this when he was alive, this has given me exactly what I needed-to know that he saw me, that we did know each other, even though from afar. Today, he is on my mind. The first day of Hannukah marks the day I would have sent him a handwritten Holiday card. Perhaps I will send him an email. Even though I know I won't get one back, it doesn't feel right to break from tradition.

I don't want this to sound like a hold your loved ones close and be thankful post and maybe it doesn't but hold your loved ones close and be thankful. You never know when the time will come when you can't say what you always wanted to but thought, it's ok...next time.

Monday Inspiration

Speak your own truth, even when your voice shakes.

In memory of Brittany Maynard