Today is one of those days where it's tiring to talk. I have been awake for about an hour now to try and get out of this funk but no words want to come out of my mouth. I really just don't really want to speak right now.
Last night, towards the end of the evening, I started to slow down and stutter a little and try and search for words. This is probably because I was tired from the day. I mean I worked a full day for the first time in a month and a half! But oh, this feeling...now and then it is good to take time to reflect and not use your voice but to get winded from just speaking is another thing. It's like my brain is tired. It's actually exhausting to speak. I sometimes have to take a deep breath after a couple of sentences so I don't pass out it seems and that's kind of how I feel now. I know it will take my brain time to heal, it will heal slower and take longer than my dissection did.
Yesterday, I felt kind of normal. Maybe I overdid it? Today, I'll slow down a little. I'm not back to normal, not yet. Patience, patience, patience. It's ok.
I'm hoping breakfast speeds something inside up and helps jump start my voice. While I'm waiting to get some inspiration to speak, I'll just listen to the sounds of the city, really listen. When do you get a chance to do that?
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Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I Miss...Green Tea
Dear Green Tea,We've been such good friends. You've been there when I have needed a caffeine fix, day or night. I used to come to you 5 times a work day and now, sadly, I haven't been able to enjoy you...because you're green, because you're not black, like coffee. Racist! So racist, I know! I hope you know I prefer green to black, but I have to cheat on you because well, black is my only option right now. I know they say once you go black you never go back but rest assured, once I am off this pill, this Warfarin that is keeping us apart, I will show you even more love than before.
Your ever devoted drinker,
Restless Sleep
Last night's sleep was restless. I felt like a kid the night before the first day of school. I still can't believe I'm sitting at my work desk, typing from my computer and feeling slightly normal. I was so nervous to come back here...mostly afraid of the emails coming in. I have 410 and my send/receive is still going...going...going since 8:30am this morning!
The only phone call I have gotten today was from my Dad. I answered the phone all professional like and it was just him. haha. Now I'm sitting anxiously awaiting that first work call althought I'm pretty sure most of my co-workers are scared to give me any work. I'm afraid to get any work! I don't remember how to do everything as is expected but I'm not being discouraged by that. Little by little, it will come back, right?
I have an appt with the Hematologist on Friday to see if I can get off this Warfarin. I really miss sushi and green tea...well pretty much anything green at this point! But it is, despite everything, a great day!
The only phone call I have gotten today was from my Dad. I answered the phone all professional like and it was just him. haha. Now I'm sitting anxiously awaiting that first work call althought I'm pretty sure most of my co-workers are scared to give me any work. I'm afraid to get any work! I don't remember how to do everything as is expected but I'm not being discouraged by that. Little by little, it will come back, right?
I have an appt with the Hematologist on Friday to see if I can get off this Warfarin. I really miss sushi and green tea...well pretty much anything green at this point! But it is, despite everything, a great day!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Oh Joy!
I just got a call from my Neurologist regarding my MRI MRA results and got GREAT NEWS. The dissection in my neck aka the rip in the vessel in my neck is absolutely totally and irrevocably gone! Yay! I can hardly believe it! But just because the inside is healed, doesn't mean the outside is healed. I still have pain in my neck but it's ok, it will go away soon :) Small victories.
I also just got permission to use a treadmill and do small yoga poses not involving my neck and I can flyyyyyyy. I feel like I've hit the lottery! I can go to work tomorrow! I am a little scared though....what if I'm not able to do everything I used to? The doc was very clear on stating that my brain is still healing even though the dissection is gone. I still have to take the meds but oh my neck dissection is gone!
Happy Dance!
Damn You Short Term Memory
When I first got the call to go to the ER because of the ischemic stroke, I called my mom and called my dad. I told my mom everything but I just told my dad that I had to go to the hospital and I was fine because he lives in the Caribbean and I didn't want him to panic more. He's also had a stroke but his was more gangster than mine. He had a heart attack AND a stroke at the same time! He made a full recovery. (Side note-Always tell your doctors your family history, ALL of it. You never know what they can find out through you telling them what your parents, grandparents, great grand parents had). Of course this happened 9 years ago but I didn't want him to stress out right that second. At this point, I just figured I would be in and out of the hospital.
He kept calling as a Daddy should, and I totally forgot that I didn't tell him why I was there (thank you short term memory). Stroke slipped out and so did a long pause and a loud WHAT? My dad was on a plane as soon as he could get a flight. I was definitely kicking myself for that but the only good thing out of this was that he didn't get to see me in the hospital. My father can't stand needles, even him seeing the or hearing the word needle would freak him out. So to tell him that I was hooked up to several needles would probably make him so uncomfortable that I am pretty sure I wouldn't even get looked in the face if he came to visit me. By the time he could get a flight up here, I was already out and home.
I told him about the shots I had to give myself when I got home and he quickly interrupted me and told me never to mention that word again and that he would cook for me and get me back to health asap. I am an only child so my parents freak out over a lot since if anything happens to me, well that's it. No it's ok, at least we have her brother. Lol. Ok I'll shut up. My father never really tells me how he's feeling. He shows it in other ways, especially with food. And boy was I spoiled...He made me all my favorite things...at the same time. I tried to take pics of everything he made but I was so greedy and devoured all, only remembering after that I had to take pictures. The pic on the left is the only one I have and this is of my second serving! Fishcake (salted cod, tomato, seasonings, flour all fried) and toast and some juice. :)
He kept calling as a Daddy should, and I totally forgot that I didn't tell him why I was there (thank you short term memory). Stroke slipped out and so did a long pause and a loud WHAT? My dad was on a plane as soon as he could get a flight. I was definitely kicking myself for that but the only good thing out of this was that he didn't get to see me in the hospital. My father can't stand needles, even him seeing the or hearing the word needle would freak him out. So to tell him that I was hooked up to several needles would probably make him so uncomfortable that I am pretty sure I wouldn't even get looked in the face if he came to visit me. By the time he could get a flight up here, I was already out and home.
I told him about the shots I had to give myself when I got home and he quickly interrupted me and told me never to mention that word again and that he would cook for me and get me back to health asap. I am an only child so my parents freak out over a lot since if anything happens to me, well that's it. No it's ok, at least we have her brother. Lol. Ok I'll shut up. My father never really tells me how he's feeling. He shows it in other ways, especially with food. And boy was I spoiled...He made me all my favorite things...at the same time. I tried to take pics of everything he made but I was so greedy and devoured all, only remembering after that I had to take pictures. The pic on the left is the only one I have and this is of my second serving! Fishcake (salted cod, tomato, seasonings, flour all fried) and toast and some juice. :)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
MRI MRA Potato Pohtahtoe
Happy New Year!
So I got my second MRI/MRA since the stroke this past Thursday and am anxiously awaiting the results. If you haven't gotten an MRI, trust me, you aren't missing anything. You're in a long tube for about 45 minutes and you can't move. You're in the most stylish of hospital gowns and you get a fierce needle sticking out of one of your arms. Then you get contrast (the fluid that makes you cold down to your bones) injected into your iv.
The highlight of this whole thing is that they put the iv in my left arm. I didn't know I had an iv option so now I'm enjoying that my right arm doesn't look like a heroin addict's anymore! Yay, small victories.
What I am hoping that this test shows is that I am healing well and that I can fly soon. I asked the technicians if I could see a pic of my noggin and they showed me but by law they can't tell me what is what so I was just oohing and aahing at stuff I had no idea about!
The technicians now recognize me and were like "weren't you just here last week?". Sure seems that way right? I peaced out of there and said that I didn't really mean this in a mean way but I hope I never see you again. So now, I wait. Whenever I go to the doc or the anticoagulation clinic, they know me by name now. I feel kind of important, like some kind of celebrity. Oh, did you hear? Eljon is coming to get her INR tested today! I even get a lollipop or a piece of candy now when I go in. I am now the Diddy of blood. (Holla)
Let's hope good news comes my way on Monday regarding all this stuff.
So I got my second MRI/MRA since the stroke this past Thursday and am anxiously awaiting the results. If you haven't gotten an MRI, trust me, you aren't missing anything. You're in a long tube for about 45 minutes and you can't move. You're in the most stylish of hospital gowns and you get a fierce needle sticking out of one of your arms. Then you get contrast (the fluid that makes you cold down to your bones) injected into your iv.
The highlight of this whole thing is that they put the iv in my left arm. I didn't know I had an iv option so now I'm enjoying that my right arm doesn't look like a heroin addict's anymore! Yay, small victories.
What I am hoping that this test shows is that I am healing well and that I can fly soon. I asked the technicians if I could see a pic of my noggin and they showed me but by law they can't tell me what is what so I was just oohing and aahing at stuff I had no idea about!
The technicians now recognize me and were like "weren't you just here last week?". Sure seems that way right? I peaced out of there and said that I didn't really mean this in a mean way but I hope I never see you again. So now, I wait. Whenever I go to the doc or the anticoagulation clinic, they know me by name now. I feel kind of important, like some kind of celebrity. Oh, did you hear? Eljon is coming to get her INR tested today! I even get a lollipop or a piece of candy now when I go in. I am now the Diddy of blood. (Holla)
Let's hope good news comes my way on Monday regarding all this stuff.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Not Working
Not working....is hard for me.
Again I had stated that not doing anything period is like hell but this, this was something I was not prepared for. I always said wow it would be great to have like a month off because I work so hard and I'm so overwhelmed and I so got my wish but under different circumstances obviously. It's been tough. I have days where I don't feel like I am a part of society. I sit here, so tired that I can only watch tv and throw a ball to my dog. I can't even speak. It's exhausting to speak. That's why this blog is so great. It allows me to have another outlet to get everything out when I can't talk or when I just don't want to talk. Sometimes, you need to wallow, and that's fine as long as you don't pity yourself for too long. Mourn your losses and keep it moving. Mourn for like 5 minutes and nothing more a day. Make yourself get out of that funk. We've only been given things we can handle, right?
A couple of days into my medical leave, I decided that I really needed to start writing again....but I was scared. The stroke had struck the part of my brain where the creative juices flow. If I couldn't write...well, I can't really say what I would do but I know that 5 minutes a day of mourning wouldn't be enough...
I had several unfinished plays and a big unfinished screenplay. My writing partner wasn't pushing me to finish of course but he knows me and my big hard head and that I needed at least this one thing to feel like a functioning member of society. When I was in the hospital, I even spoke to him on the phone about this being great material for the Alzheimer's script we're working on. The big 'ol creative brain is always working!
So we talked, and we put up index cards of scenes, and we wrote...and I finished my first draft of my first screenplay. Actually now it's on its 3rd draft! The feeling of finishing something felt amazing! I may not be able to do pivot tables or fancy excel spreadsheets right now but I wrote 106 pages of comedic fantasticness (if I do say so myself).
The picture above reminds me that it is possible. I can get back to my old self. It will just take time like everything else. For those of you suffering from the effects of a stroke, remember, if you can do just one small thing that you used to do before the stroke, you're blessed. Remember, small victories.
Again I had stated that not doing anything period is like hell but this, this was something I was not prepared for. I always said wow it would be great to have like a month off because I work so hard and I'm so overwhelmed and I so got my wish but under different circumstances obviously. It's been tough. I have days where I don't feel like I am a part of society. I sit here, so tired that I can only watch tv and throw a ball to my dog. I can't even speak. It's exhausting to speak. That's why this blog is so great. It allows me to have another outlet to get everything out when I can't talk or when I just don't want to talk. Sometimes, you need to wallow, and that's fine as long as you don't pity yourself for too long. Mourn your losses and keep it moving. Mourn for like 5 minutes and nothing more a day. Make yourself get out of that funk. We've only been given things we can handle, right?
I had several unfinished plays and a big unfinished screenplay. My writing partner wasn't pushing me to finish of course but he knows me and my big hard head and that I needed at least this one thing to feel like a functioning member of society. When I was in the hospital, I even spoke to him on the phone about this being great material for the Alzheimer's script we're working on. The big 'ol creative brain is always working!
So we talked, and we put up index cards of scenes, and we wrote...and I finished my first draft of my first screenplay. Actually now it's on its 3rd draft! The feeling of finishing something felt amazing! I may not be able to do pivot tables or fancy excel spreadsheets right now but I wrote 106 pages of comedic fantasticness (if I do say so myself).
The picture above reminds me that it is possible. I can get back to my old self. It will just take time like everything else. For those of you suffering from the effects of a stroke, remember, if you can do just one small thing that you used to do before the stroke, you're blessed. Remember, small victories.
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