Sunday, January 9, 2011

I'm Going To Wake Up...Right?

Every couple of days since this stroke, late at night before I go to sleep, I sometimes get the feeling that I am not going to wake up the next day.  I wonder if this is common in people who have suffered heart attacks or strokes.  I feel like I may have another stroke that will render me completely incapacitated.  It will come fast and when I let my guard down, at least that's how I think it will happen.

I'm still on the Warfarin so the likelihood of this happening again is slim to nil but what about when I get off the meds.  Then what?  It's kind of eating away at me.  Yesterday, I was watching The Twilight Zone (I'm obsessed) and I saw an episode called "Nothing In The Dark" about an old woman who feared death. She kept to herself and didn't come out of her house for many years because she was afraid death was waiting to take her.  At the end (Spoiler alert), she finally meets death and he says take my hand and she's scared but it turns out it was quick and painless and she went in her sleep.  She was just afraid of the unknown.  I took strange comfort in this...I guess all any of us really fear is the unknown.  How will I die?  Will it hurt? When it will it come?  I'm taking seeing that episode as a sign and letting my guard down.

If death comes fast, at least I won't be thinking about it every single minute every couple of days.  I'm going to live.  I shouldn't be scared.  The stroke happened, it's over. I'm on meds, I'm ok. I'm going to be ok.  Right?